Regrets

Ever had the feeling that something was being thrown in your path over and over in really random ways, like a stone meant to trip you up on the path of life?  Like the Universe, God, or the Great and Powerful Oz (I believe in a collaboration of all three that I will call Unigoz), was speaking to you through music, movies, social media, supermarket exchanges, dreams, shapes in your bathroom wall texture?

It's been happening to me for a few months now.  My path has been littered with random stones that I keep tripping over.  It's bugging me and I'm over it.  So Unigoz, you can lay off.  I will deal with it.  The problem lies in how.

The catalyst, or shall I say the last stone thrown, was one of those nifty inspirational quotes we see all over social media that speak to our very core.  ;)  I happened to see it on Facebook.  Here it is:

Geez Unigoz......obviously this was meant directly for me as I have recently made a big life change AND I am living with regret.  Alright already, I get it.

Let's talk about regret.  There's a lot of people out there who say they regret nothing, because everything they've done has made them the person they are today.  They look at the negative things they have done as life lessons and therefore do not regret them.  Bull puckey.  I think everyone has regrets; things we wish we would have done differently, words we've spoken or left unspoken, relationships we have let go or let suck us dry.  I agree they are part of who we are today and definitely lessons to learn from, but I question anyone's moral capacity that says they have no regrets. Stepping down from the soapbox now.

Anyhoo.....at this point you may be thinking that my regret lies in our move to Alaska.  I'm not going to lie and say that everything here is rainbows and roses.  Alaska, like anywhere else, has it's downsides.  And moving a family with children over 3000 miles away has it challenges.  Here are a few for instances:

• The internet here really sucks.  Believe it or not, it is not unlimited and it costs a fortune!  Seriously, it's like paying for data on your cell phone.  You pay for so many gigs and when you use them up, you either go without or pay for more.  We pay $134.99 for 300 gigs per month!  Back in California we paid $30 per month for unlimited internet.  We didn't have to worry about how many movies we streamed, how much Netflix we watched, how much the boys played Xbox.  And we could enjoy the HD picture on our televisions.  Not so here, and we're paying over 4 times more!  Ugh....seriously, ugh.  Who even knows how much data you use to watch a movie, surf the internet, or play Xbox? So annoying.
•  The power steering system on my Jeep is clearly not designed to withstand the cold temperatures here.  It had to be repaired three times in three months.  And we can't replace the hoses with arctic grade hoses, which would fix the problem, because that will void our warranty.  Very irritating, especially since it's practically brand new and we will continue to have this problem every winter until our warranty is up.
• Pushing a grocery cart across a frozen snow covered parking lot is the definition of annoying.  It feels like being in one of those machines with the vibrating strap that people use to lose belly fat.  It's amazing that your eggs make it to your car in one piece.  And forget it if you have a coffee in your hand. 
• It is difficult to find a tri tip roast in the stores.  What?!  You can find the tri tip steaks, but a whole roast not so!  I found one once at Fred Meyer; it was the only one.  I have to ask the butcher at Safeway if I want to get one there.
• Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies are not the same here.  Whoa!  This is almost a deal breaker.  It is wrong on so many levels.
• Bread goes stale here really fast, veggies do not last long in the fridge and you've got about five days to drink a gallon of milk before it is past it's sell by date.  The result is more frequent trips to the grocery store.  Just what everyone wants to do more frequently.
• The doors on businesses open from the wrong side.  Not everywhere of course, but I'd say about 50% of the businesses.  Think about it.....when you approach a door that you push open, usually you push on the right side and it swings open to the left.  This is a pretty much universal thing.  Not here.  Many businesses here open on the left and swing to the right.  Or is it vice versa?  I'm telling you, it's a thing here either way and I'm constantly doing lip skids on doors because I push and keep on going thinking it's going to open.....and it doesn't. At the North Pole post office you have to go through two sets of doors and one opens from the right and the other from the left!  Now everywhere I go I have to examine the door before I approach to determine which way to open it.  It's the same with doors you pull open too.  Am I the only one that has this issue?  I'm curious.
• It is not fun to watch your children miss their friends.  It is not fun to miss your friends.  It is not fun to miss your family.  It is not fun to feel like you are missing out on stuff.  It is not fun to not be able to be there for someone you care about when they are going through stuff.

Having said all that, I do not regret moving here.  Most of the things I mentioned are annoying at best, and superficial.  The friend and family thing though, that is real and very tough.  However I truly believe we are meant to be here and Alaska Airlines will just have get rich off us.

So where lies my regret?  I have a lot of regrets.  I have been accused in the past of being perfect, and not in a positive way.  I am here to tell you that I am far from perfect.  I have a childhood friend who can attest to that.....she knows who she is.  And I'm sure Joe could attest to it now, as could a lot of other people.  But the regret that seems to be littering my path right now lies with words unspoken and a missed relationship.

Many of you know that my father passed away very unexpectedly last summer.  He was only 67 years old and didn't really have any health issues that we knew about.  But what only a select few of you know is that I had a very strained relationship with my dad.  Not good at all.  He was a difficult man and I was and still am stubborn, strong willed and opinionated.  We clashed.  In the last ten years of his life however, he mellowed and I could tell that he wanted a better relationship with me and my boys.  I held onto the anger, hurt, and distrust, and didn't let it happen.  Then he died.

My dad was a Marine and a Vietnam War veteran, two things he was fiercely proud of.  He never spoke of the war though.  After his death, I had the privilege of meeting several men he served with in the war.  One in particular knew him well and had helped him in the last several years of his life.  Jerry is his name.  Jerry knew of our troubled relationship and wanted me to understand why my dad was the way he was.  He told me my father suffered from severe PTSD and shared some stories of the war my father had written while applying for VA benefits.  It was horrific to read my father's words describing the things he saw and experienced in that war that haunted him until the last day of his life.  His words also discussed his failed relationships that were due to the anxiety, stress, depression, guilt, etc.  Jerry also told me my father was a hero and had personally saved Jerry's own life on two occasions.  He was a highly respected warrior who never shirked his duty and even volunteered on missions so that others wouldn't have to go.  Like so many others, he gave his life in that war, even though he lived on.

So where does all this leave me?  With a lot of regret and guilt, that's where. Had I known, maybe I would have been more forgiving and had a relationship with him.  I know, I know.....I didn't know so how can I blame myself?  I just do.  Almost every day lately something happens that makes me think about him and choke up; the man in the post office with the Vietnam Vet hat on, the dang war movies that have been so prevalent lately in movie theaters that Jason really wants to see so I take him, the commercial about the Vietnam Vet appreciation gathering in Fairbanks last weekend, Joe's slippers which are the exact same kind my dad used to wear, watching the movie St. Vincent starring Bill Murray, not realizing until it's too late that it's about a Vietnam Vet who struggles and is misunderstood.  And it doesn't help that Bill Murray looks a lot like my dad in his old age. So many dang stones.

But don't cry for me, Argentina.  I'll be ok.  I decided to share my story in hopes that someone will read it and fix something in their life before it is too late for them. Because we all have to move past our crap or be eaten alive by it.  That's all I can really do.  So help a girl out.  If you find yourself in a similar situation, reach out and try to fix it.  And then if you're really brave, leave me a comment letting me know you did.  You don't have to give details, unless you want to.  Just leave the word "done".  In the meantime I am going to look for ways to volunteer my time with veterans.  I just feel compelled to.

Here's a couple pics of my dad.  I love and miss him every day.

Corporal Charles Arthur Hill

The two in the middle are my dad and Jerry (my dad is the short one!)